A little too true to be a joke

[bulborum]

maybe the wrong place
but I couldn't find a better place

God On Lawn Care

GOD:
Frank, you know all about gardens and  nature. What in the world is
going on down there  on the planet? What happened to the dandelions,
violets,  milkweeds  and stuff I  started eons ago? I had a perfect
no-maintenance  garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of  soil,
withstand drought and multiply with  abandon. The nectar from the
long-lasting  blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and  flocks of
songbirds. I expected to see a vast  garden of colours by now. But, all
I see are  these green rectangles.

St.  FRANCIS:
It's  the tribes that settled there, Lord. The  Suburbanites. They
started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill
them  and replace them with grass.

GOD:
Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not  colourful. It doesn't attract
butterflies, birds  and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's
sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites  really want all that
grass growing  there?

ST.  FRANCIS:
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great  pains to grow it and keep it
green. They begin  each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning  any
other plant that crops up in the  lawn.


GOD:
The  spring rains and warm weather probably make  grass grow really
fast. That must make the  Suburbanites happy.

ST.  FRANCIS:
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows  a little, they cut
it-sometimes twice a  week.

GOD:
They  cut it? Do they then bale it like  hay?

ST.  FRANCIS:
Not  exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put  it in bags.

GOD:
They  bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell  it?

ST.  FRANCIS:
No,  Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it  away.

GOD:
Now,  let me get this straight. They fertilize grass  so it will grow.
And, when it does grow, they  cut it off and pay to throw it  away?

ST.  FRANCIS:    Yes,  Sir.

GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the  summer when we cut back on
the rain and turn up  the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves
 them a lot of work



ST.  FRANCIS:
You  aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the  grass stops growing
so fast, they drag out hoses  and pay more money to water it, so they
can  continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD:
What  nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees.  That was a
sheer stroke of genius, if I do say  so myself. The trees grow leaves
in the spring  to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In  the
autumn, they fall to the ground and form a  natural blanket to keep
moisture in the soil and  protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural
 cycle of life.

ST.  FRANCIS:
You  better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have  drawn a new circle.
As soon as the leaves fall,  they rake them into great piles and pay
to have  them hauled away.

GOD:
No!?  What do they do to protect the shrub and tree  roots in the
winter to keep the soil moist and  loose?

ST  FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves, they go  out and buy something which
they call mulch.  They haul it home and spread it around in place  of
the leaves.

 GOD:
And  where do they get this mulch?

ST.  FRANCIS:
They  cut down trees and grind them up to make the  mulch.

GOD:
Enough! I don't want to think about this  any more. St. Catherine,
you're in charge of the  arts. What movie have you scheduled for us
tonight?

ST.  CATHERINE:
'Dumb and Dumber', Lord.  It's a story about....

GOD:
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole  story from St.  Francis.

Roland

[Maggi Young]

Yes, Roland... that does seem VERY true!

[Darren]

That is just BRILLIANT!

First thing we did when we moved in was dig up the lawns & plant flowers. The neighbours thought we were mad, but it isn't us that is out there with a lawnmower for hours every week

[David Nicholson]

 

That's a cracker, thanks Roland.

[art600]

That is just BRILLIANT!

First thing we did when we moved in was dig up the lawns & plant flowers. The neighbours thought we were mad, but it isn't us that is out there with a lawnmower for hours every week

I did get rid of a lot of lawn in favour of flowers - there are consequences however.  Mowing can take hours, but weeding can take forever.

[Maggi Young]

I lifted the last of our grass after my spaniel Max died....I've been a lady of leisure ever since.

Cutting the grass, timming the edges, particularly all around the paving slabs set into the lawn, took hours of work every few days for most of the year, often on my knees to cut the edges perfectly by hand.
Occasionally I would strim the edges for a quicker result but I didn't like that effect so much.... I was a slave to that blasted grass...and it was the most boring plant in the garden!

People kept saying to us that we needed  grass  paths at least to "set off" the rest of the garden  but I can honestly say we have never once thought it was the wrong decision to get rid of the grass. In a garden the size of ours, ( whole plot of land, including the house, is about 2/3 of an acre) and with so many plant obsessions, we have never missed the  lawn!

[Susan Band]

I have just witnessed the council busy cutting the bluebells on the village green, they do it every year. The only ones that survive are the ones directly next to the trees they usually manage to flower before the strimmers are out. They were also out on the motorway cutting the verges, the grass has hardy turned green yet. So much for the country being bankrupt.
You couldn't get a truer verse than that Roland.

[bulborum]

GOD will be happy here
when he sees our 4 hectare
I cut the grass once a year
loads of flowers
even wild orchids are coming back
This remembers me
when we bought the house
11 years ago
we called it our future PARADISE
and yes
on some places it's a wilderness
but wild boar and small deer lives there
bluebells start flowering in the valley
Me and my wife are happy without a lawnmower

Roland

[mark smyth]

great conversation

[Michael J Campbell]

I don't have a lawn and I haven't  owned a lawnmower in 20 years. No room for grass here.

[Houseslippers]

I'm sure there are lawn enthusiasts there who would regard my tendency to heedlessly get hold of sundry plants from far off places and subject them to various artificial inducements (special composts, lighting regimes, frost protection, shading, etc etc not to mention the expense) in an often doomed attempt to persuade them to actually grow, as utterly ridiculous.... viewed in that way, most gardening is completely daft but then I am daft so what the hell. I gave my lawn to my neighbour, who was very pleased ....

[David Shaw]

We gradually destroyed our lawns during the first ten years in the garden. No more grass, no more mowing!
Obtusely, since I retired, I now mow the grass of two neighbours!!!! One an elderly lady and the other as 'rent' for the 'allotment' we have at the end of his garden. No room for vegetables either, in our own garden.