YES!!! The "I'm So Happy!" thread - 2011

[art600]

This really should be a 2011 thread, but I have forgotten how to start a new thread.

A few groaners - apologies if some are repeats - the old ones are always the best....


Puns for Educated Minds   
 
  1.  The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.  He acquired his size from too much pi.

 
   2.  I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical  Aleutian.

 
   3.  She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

 
   4.  A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

 
  5.  No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

 
   6.  A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

 
   7.  A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

 
   8. Two silk worms had a race.  They ended up in a tie.

 
   9.  A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.  The police are looking into it.

 
   10. Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana.

 
   11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

 
  12.  Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.  One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

 
   13.  I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.  Then it hit me.

 
  14.  A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'

 
   15.  The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

 
   16.  The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

 
   17.  A backward poet writes inverse.

 
  18.  In a democracy it's your vote that counts.  In feudalism it's your count that votes.

 
   19.  When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

 
   20.  If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

 
   21.  A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.  The stewardess looks at him and says,
          'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

 
   22.  Two fish swim into a concrete wall.  One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

 
   23.  Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.  Unsurprisingly it sank, proving
           once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

 
   24.  Two hydrogen atoms meet.  One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' 
          The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

 
   25.  Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?  His goal:  transcend dental medication.

 
   26.  There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. 
           No pun in ten did.

[Martin Baxendale]

A new Happy thread for a (happy) new year. I'm happy the hundreds of snowdrop seedlings in my raised beds are starting to come through with little signs of damage from the severe freeze that turned their beds into blocks of ice. I did eventually thaw the beds out by covering with tarpaulins and blowing a fan heater under the tarps on a low heat but the seedlings were frozen solid in iron-hard soil for a long time before I decided I'd better do something just in case.

I know snowdrops are hardy, but wasn't sure how my tiny seedlings and their fragile roots would take that kind of prolonged deep-freezing with night temps down to minus 12c, so I wasn't going to risk all those years of doing crosses, sowing and raising them going to waste.

[Carlo]

Amazing, isn't it?

[Paul T]

Arthur,

Maybe Maggi can shift this one for you to the new 2011 topic that has just been created?  If she's reading! (and when isn't she!!??  )

[Martin Baxendale]

Yes, sorry, I meant to ask that after I started the 2011 thread but I forgotted.

[Martin Baxendale]

I'm exceptionally happy tonight. Thank you, 12 year old Bushmills single Irish malt. But the bottle's nearly empty. I'm off to start a 2011 Moan, Moan, Moan thread.

[Brian Ellis]

This one tickled my sense of humour

At a  recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared
the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
 
'If FORD had kept up with technology like the computer  industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In  response to Bill's comments, FORD issued a press release stating:
'If  FORD had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part)

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash...twice  a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was
reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.
 
I love the next one... 

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.
 
PS - I'd like  to add that when all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some
foreign language how to fix your car yourself!

[art600]

 

[Anthony Darby]

 

[David Nicholson]

I like those.   

[Lesley Cox]

Score - Ford 10, Microsoft nil.

[annew]

I liked those! But our Macintosh will only accept one driver, and it isn't me....

[Brian Ellis]

I liked those! But our Macintosh will only accept one driver, and it isn't me....

You'll have to get a driving licence Anne, I thought other Mac users would like that one

[Anthony Darby]

No 9 is true on cars anyway? You jump into a hire car and everything is different. The position of the horn; hazard button; lights switch. Why? Health and safety would decree that these should be standard in every car so you don't need to take a six week course to 'familarise yourself with the layout'! If you have to think "where is the horn?", it's too late! Can anyone explain why cars that used to have orange panels on the incators which stay orange for ever have been replaced by clear panels and orange bulbs which fade, and thus cause the car to fail an MOT?! Why are front indicators so close to the head lights that you can't see if a car coming towards you is indicating or not!? Why do some Jurassic cars still have rear wheel drive!? It's bit like all technology. If it works and doesn't wear out you can guarantee it will be made obsolete and replaced by something that attempts to do the same job, but doesn't work as well and needs to be replaced frequently. 

[David Nicholson]

..........If it works and doesn't wear out you can guarantee it will be made obsolete and replaced by something that attempts to do the same job, but doesn't work as well and needs to be replaced frequently. 

Because car manufacturers make the vast majority of their profits from selling spare parts