Scottish Rock Garden Club Forum
General Subjects => General Forum => Topic started by: David Nicholson on December 10, 2010, 04:35:22 PM
-
As it's a bit of a silly season at the moment hope Maggi doesn't mind this!
Here's one I heard last night.
I can't spell 'Armageddon' Still, it's not the end of the world!
-
Is it just my sense of humour, I collapsed with laughter?
-
I must stop procrastinating - I'll start tomorrow
-
Is it just my sense of humour, I collapsed with laughter?
Not just your sense of humour ;D ;D ;D
-
Is it just my sense of humour, I collapsed with laughter?
No - I loved that one too. I walked in when my son was watching Live at the Apollo and that one tickled me. Did you catch the name of the comedian? I think he said he was Canadian?
-
The brilliant Stewart Francis.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M8-v-Iw4KVw
-
The brilliant Stewart Francis.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M8-v-Iw4KVw
VERY Funny! I like the fairy godmother joke best ;D
-
As with David's "Armageddon" line above, I heard this years ago: "I'd give my right hand to be ambidextrous."
Paddy
-
One of today's newspapers reports a comment made by a caller to a radio programme during the week: "Widows in Ireland are in a no-man's land."
Paddy
-
I knew you wouldn't let me down Paddy and Mark
Yes, as Cliff said my example was from Stewart Francis who is indeed Canadian and a very funny bloke and it's worth repeating again the Link Cliff gave:-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M8-v-Iw4KVw
Yes Mark I liked the fairy godmother joke too but my favourite was "I was good at History"-you've got to see the link to pick up on this one.
Tim Vine is another wonderful exponent of the "One Liner" Exit signs! On the way out aren't they.
-
Some short newspaper or magazine headlines are good too, like this one -
"Adulterated erectile dysfunction products on the rise in New Zealand.
-
At least sales aren't drooping, Lesley!
-
A famous Swedish physician said in the late 19th century:
"If people knew how healthy Cognac is, they would drink them selves dead." (Difficult translation. Someone can do a better one?)
A somewhat later comment on the theory of relativity:
"If you run faster than light you will have a blackout."
Cheers
Göte
-
Some short newspaper or magazine headlines are good too, like this one -
"Adulterated erectile dysfunction products on the rise in New Zealand.
Not a problem in Brighton. The slogan on the lorry of a scaffold company: "Satisfaction with every erection".
-
I've always liked....
"Sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug!!"
Very, very true!! ;D
-
Similarly ...
Sometimes you are the master of all you survey ... then the wife comes home!
-
This last one sounds as if it originated with our man in Devon ;D
-
Do crystal balls have a future?
-
This last one sounds as if it originated with our man in Devon ;D
Moi? ::)
-
Do crystal balls have a future?
Wondered where you were, good 'un. ;D
-
This last one sounds as if it originated with our man in Devon ;D
Moi? ::)
Yes, toi. ???
-
;D ;D ;D
-
I think it was Lesley Cox on this forum who delivered this one . .
"I've told you a million times not to exaggerate"
Thank you Lesley!
Merry Christmas everyone.
-
shampoo, better than the real thing
-
shampoo, better than the real thing
That's the business, Frazer! :D Just the jobby! :D
-
Did you know 71% of all statistics are used without appropriate references, and a further 11% are simply made up?
-
Did you know 71% of all statitistics are used without appropriate references, and a further 11% are simply made up?
Are these statistics part of that 11% ;D
-
"Just hand over the chocolate and no one will get hurt" - Maggi Young?
johnw
-
I think it was Lesley Cox on this forum who delivered this one . .
"I've told you a million times not to exaggerate"
Goodness, I don't remember that! :)
I came across this one the other day, from Picasso.
"The bad thing about being famous is, you have to work so hard at it."
-
I like this, attributed to Dolly Parton:
"It costs a lot of money to look as cheap as this."
-
I think it was Lesley Cox on this forum who delivered this one . .
"I've told you a million times not to exaggerate"
Thank you Lesley!
Merry Christmas everyone.
Heather,
That's one I use all the time as well. It usually gets a laugh in conversation. I've always thought it was quite widespread in use.... but maybe just a bottom of the world thing?
-
"It costs a lot of money to look as cheap as this."
That reminds me of Anna Russell. Anyone remember Anna Russell? My mother used to remark that she (AR) must be able to play the bagpipes superbly, in order to play them so badly.
-
"Just hand over the chocolate and no one will get hurt" - Maggi Young?
johnw
[attach=1]
-
One of my favourites........ seldom hear it though......
[attach=1]
-
Must have been a woman that said that.
Some of my favorite one-liners by women include-
The way I see it , if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain - Dolly Parton
Whoever said 'It's not whether you win or lose that counts, probably lost' - Martina Navratilova
There is only one real sin and that is persuade yourself that second-best is anything but second best - Doris Lessing.
-
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid some day, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” - Redd Foxx
johnw
-
No one seems to have mentioned the Groucho Marx classic:
"I would never join any club that would have me for a member."
-
.... and another one from Groucho
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it"
and a couple from Jimmy Carr.
It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
I was walking the streets of Glasgow last night and saw this sign "This door is alarmed" I said to myself, how do you think I feel!
-
"Football is a game of two equal halves"
Sports presenter I don't know which one now.
-
Let us not forget Woody Allen:
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying."
-
Claude Monet once met Vincent van Gogh in a café. Monet said to Vinvent "would you like a cognac Vincent?". The reply came back: "I've got one 'ear".
-
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker. Billy Connolly -
"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?
-
"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather; not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car"
-
Urgent: Telepath required.......you know where to apply.
-
Here's a golden rule - those that have the gold rule
or
Those who call it necking clearly have no knowledge of anatomy
-
I like the Telepath one.
Three from Tim Vine.
Velcro! What a rip off
Black Beauty. He's a dark horse
I saw this bloke chatting up a Cheetah. I thought "He's trying to pull a fast one"
-
I LOVE Tim Vine..... his one-liners are just the best since Chic Murray, in my opinion. ;D
"I was in a Chinese restaurant when a duck came up to me with a rose and
said: 'Your eyes sparkle like the stars'. So I said to the waiter: 'Excuse me, I ordered aromatic duck!!!!!!'
-
;D ;D ;D
-
I was going to be an atheist until I realised they don't have holidays
-
Someone said "I'm an atheist, thank God."
-
Someone said "I'm an atheist, thank God."
Luis Buńuel.
-
It's a real shame that all the people who know how to run the country are busy cutting hair, driving taxis or writing on the SRGC Forum. (apologies to George Burns)
40 years in the desert and Moses takes us to the only place in the near east without oil! (attributed to Golda Meir)
Yiddish telegam: "Start worrying. Details to follow."
-
and here's a cracker , literally
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.
-
My brother was an only child
-
its pretty rough were i live i went to close my living room window and somebody pinched my watch
-
I see corduroy pillows have been making headlines again.
-
I see corduroy pillows have been making headlines again.
;D ;D ;D
-
Surveyors....they're level-headed.
-
Good to see you still dragging 'em up Frazer ;D
4 from the late and lamented Chic Murray:-
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
If somethings neither here nor there, where the hell is it?
I had a tragic childhood-my parents never understood me. They were Japanese.
I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it.
-
Chic Murray? My boyhood hero! Saw him many times at The Palladium in Edinburgh (1950s)
' I was at the beach yesterday. A fellow next to me kept thowing a stick in the water and shouting 'Fetch it' -I was up to my knees before I realised he had a dog with him.
Saw a girl at the side of the road, stopped the car and said ' Would you like a lift?
No thanks 'she said 'I live in a bungalow.
She seemed a bit fresh as she asked if I could drive with one hand. Why? I asked, have you got sandwiches?
Was on a bus yesterday and the conductor dropped his bag of money. I stooped down to help up pick it up. No thanks, he said, the change will do me good.
-
Every one a little gem ;D
-
Voted best joke at Edinburgh Fringe:
"I needeed a password eight characters long so I chose Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs"
Voted worst joke:
I said to a fella "Is there a B&Q in Henley?" No, he said "There's an H, an E, an N, an L, an E and a Y" (Paul Daniels!)
Cracker from Tim Vine who was second:
"Crime in multi-storey car parks: That's wrong on so many different levels"
-
An American couple were having a burger in a café in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. They called the waitress over and said "how do you pronounce the name of this place?" She leant over and said carefully "Bur - ger- king"!
-
Love that one. ;D