Scottish Rock Garden Club Forum
General Subjects => General Forum => Topic started by: David Nicholson on August 06, 2010, 12:20:04 PM
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"B****y awful day again", he said as he stumbled, bleary eyed and dressing down clad, into the dining room. "Hasn't the paper come again"
She, who had 40 year's experience of these kinds of morning bliss looked up from her Bran Flakes. "Morning dear" she said "I see we are bright eyed and bushy tailed this morning, as usual"
He said "When I was a lad the paper was always delivered by 0600 "
"According to your Mother" she said "You once got a paper round, worked for one morning, and then decided not to do it again and she had to go to the news agents and explain"
"Is this milk off " he said.
"It wasn't when I got up" she said "But you've probably turned it"
A short period of mutual silence ensued broken only by the clatter of the letter box as the paper dropped through.
"Well, I've one thing to be thankful for" he said, "The papers have forgotten about the World Cup and I don't have to put up with cars flying the Cross of St. George from every window"
"That was only a show of patriotism" she said
"Patriotism!" he said "Patriotism was what my Uncle Walter showed in the war. Captured at Arnhem and spent the rest of the war in a prisoner of war camp"
"According to your Mother" she said. "Your Uncle Walter was batman to a Colonel and the prison camp he was in was a special one for
one for officers. He went to the war weighing six stones wet through and when he came back he'd put on so much weight his Mother didn't recognise him"
"Salt of the earth, my Uncle Walter" he said. "Always said that the working men's club annual day trip to Blackpool was the only holiday he needed. Used to meet at the club at 0630 for a couple of pints before the bus came. Stopped in Todmorden around 0900 at a pub for a full English and another couple of pints. Arrived in Blackpool, straight out of the bus into a pub from where the bus picked him up again at 1900. And when they got back home again they had to take him home in a wheelbarrow".
"They always say family traits are inherited" she said.
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Laugh, David ... I nearly split my lip gloss! :D
By the way, pubs in Todmorden only serve wet breakfasts now ... in straight or handled glasses.
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Keep them coming, David.
It's nice to start the morning with a good laugh. ;D ;D ;D
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Keep them coming, David.
It's nice to start the morning with a good laugh. ;D ;D ;D
Or to have a laugh in the afternoon.
More please, David. :D :D
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Family traits inherited? The only thing I've inherited is grey hair - from my children! :P
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David, those years in education have taken their toll.
Paddy
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Yes Paddy they have. I used to be sane ;D
Glad you enjoyed the ramble folks.
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David, I love it to read your morning dialogue with "her" :D 8)
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Great stuff David !!
Now all you need is a good crime and you can set up a Midsummer Murders scenario ! ;D ;D
Do keep'em coming !!
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Hi Luc and Luit,
Glad you enjoyed the bit of fun. I wasn't sure if it would "translate" OK for you "big Islanders" but it must have done, and Wim enjoyed it as well. Now, if I was to try one in Dutch and Flemish :P
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mmm... now that'll be the day !! ;D
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;D ;D ;D
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Thanks for this new insight into the Nicholson's morning routine David. I loved it all. I do hope you will arrange each chapter in a little book of collected works, for the future benefit of man and womankind. ;D
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Hi Luc and Luit,
Glad you enjoyed the bit of fun. I wasn't sure if it would "translate" OK for you "big Islanders" but it must have done, and Wim enjoyed it as well. Now, if I was to try one in Dutch and Flemish :P
Cannot wait for it David ;D ;D
But to be honest, I nneded to look up some words to understand the right sentence. Nevertheless it was worth it :D
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Hi Luc and Luit,
Glad you enjoyed the bit of fun. I wasn't sure if it would "translate" OK for you "big Islanders" but it must have done, and Wim enjoyed it as well. Now, if I was to try one in Dutch and Flemish :P
Hmmm,
that would be interesting...looking forward to the next "outpour" in English or in Dutch ;)
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Don'tcha just lurve technology!!
Our washing machine, which has been a loyal member of the family for around 11 years has been showing it's age lately by making some rather odd noises (apparently this is also seen, by some!!, as a trait shared by your author. A few days ago around breakfast time, just after Mrs N had loaded it up (at this point I should clarify that said Mrs N, judging by her regular and consistent use of this particular machine, takes in washing for the whole of Devon) and I was contemplating the devourement of a rather expertly cooked bacon sandwich with added tomato ketchup (or as Mrs N would say a tomato ketchup sandwich with added bacon) the machine uttered a "whoosh" followed by a flash and then--- a silence.
Now this caused some consternation as Mrs N attempted to work out how she might (a) open the machine door (b) remove her smalls from it and (c) then get rid of the copius amount of water from the machine's inner sanctum. I could offer little by way of assistance as I was heavily involved in devourement of the bacon sandwich and the editorial page of The Times. After the utterence of many expressions I have rarely heard her use before she did manage to open the door and to extract her smalls but much of the water proved impossible and the telephone was used to summon the local washing machine repair man.
Of course this seemed to be the day that all the domestic appliances in the entire South Western peninsula had gone on the blink. Also there was all of a couple of centimeters of snow on the ground which meant that not only was there no washing being done in Devon and Cornwall but the whole place was gridlocked. Thus, said repair man took some tracking down but when we did so we were told he would be at our service..... but not for a couple of days.
Mrs N, and I bow to her superior technical expertise, had formed the opinion that the machine was unlikely to be repairable anyway and thus I was dragged off to Plymouth to assess the washing machine market position, and more will be revealed in part 2 if you can stand it.
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Its been awhile since these outpourings became compulsory reading............ but now they're back!! I, for one, am very much looking forward to the next installment, ;D ;D ;D
signed - Noah John Rondeau
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Part 2.
The task of market assessment was not as easy as it used to be as the combined effects of the recession and The Internet appear to have had a dire effect on the washing machine retail trade. As Mrs N, somewhat voluably asserted "You can't ask The Internet if a machine's capable of a slow spin on timesave" I paraphrase here since I lack Mrs N's technical and practical knowledge of washing machine terminology and wouldn't recognise a "slow spin" from anywhere else other than the cricket field. Oh! I should have added that prior to our departure arrangements had been made to finish the extracted washing in a neighbour's machine.
There was much consternation on reaching the shops as it was soon found out that these days washing machines are available only in white or silver and all Mrs N's current kitchen domestic appliances are in a fetching cream colour under the prosaic title of 'Natural Linen'. Nonetheless many questions were asked, some answers were given but a final decision was put on hold pending views from the repair man when he eventually turned up. I was satisfied in that I was able to avoid the very unsettling palpitations I seem to get when I'm require to produce my credit card!
After two days repair man arrived complete with lap top in one hand and a bunch of screw drivers in 'tother but he got off to a pretty bad start. It was raining, of course and he, not having taken off his boots at the door left wet footprints all over the hall carpet. No direct action was taken against him but I got it in the neck after he'd gone and I happened to be in the greenhouse looking at frozen pots when he came. Such is the role of husbands! "Yes I think it's repairable " he said "But it won't be cheap it's the computer that's gone" and thus started my palpitations again, and off he sped to order the parts. Another two days elapsed with Mrs N sub-contracting washing to any willing neighbours in the street. This rather reminded me of my Grandma and her Monday task with the rest of her street in the communal wash-house, and the enveloping steam, smells and noise so produced. I made the mistake of referring to this to Mrs N who appeared not to be overly sympathetic to this gem of English domestic history! More in Part 3, again if you can stand it.
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More in Part 3, again if you can stand it.
Oh! I am sure we can David, :o :o
If you don't hear from me again ............... then I was wrong!! ;D :'( :'(
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;D
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Regular readers may wish to know that for some reason part 3 was written, posted.... and then disappeared into the ether never to return. It will be written again for the sake of completeness!!
At which point I shall respond Ron.
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;D
Now whats 'appening wi' that washing machine???
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Part 3 (version 2)
A further two days elapsed before repair man turned up again new computer unit in hand and with screw driver in hand and, this time was advised to remove his boots. He prupousfully approached the silent monstrosity next to the sink. After a short while "There, job done", he said "Just got to switch on" and so he did. The silent monstrosity lit up like Blackpool Illuminations, uttered a groan, followed by a whoosh and then a flash. "Oh, it looks like it's gone again" he said "Must be another problem as well" Just before he was strongly advised that he had uttered the understatement of the year he added "I'll need to take some technical advice, so I'll give you a ring"
Mrs N visibly shook as I sped off to the neighbours to arrange further sub-contracting situations.
He phoned, last night, "I'll be with you at around 1000 in the morning" he said "But it might not be reparable"..... and we're still waiting. My palpitations have started already and Mrs N silently weeps in the corner with the contents of her under-the-sink cupboard (and you know what under-the-sink cupboards are like)artfully spread around her kitchen.
Will there be a PART 4? Maybe I should tell you about the car which, at the same time the troubles with the silent monstrosity stared also developed a fault (or perhaps "clang" would be a better word). Here the repair man could just as well have been a member of the panel of the quiz show QI and waved the "nobody knows" card. Or maybe the saga of the outside light next to the front door!!!!
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But of course, or anyone getting the wrong idea about the fair maidens of the Ridings ............... a story of three men!! .....
THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A Yorkshire lass
The first man married a woman from Essex. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from Sussex. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a lass from Yorkshire. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he pees.
Part 4 please!!
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;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Right on, sister! ;D
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Whe I read part one I thought I'd have time to read 'Les Miserables' before part 2, but no, it came almost instantly. ;D Our washing machine surely can't be as complicated? For a start, you put the washing in the top. There is this thing in the middle that moves a little and the washing just about. Not convinced it's as good as our old Bendix front loader. 8)
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Whe I read part one I thought I'd have time to read 'Les Miserables' before part 2, but no, it came almost instantly. ;D Our washing machine surely can't be as complicated? For a start, you put the washing in the top. There is this thing in the middle that moves a little and the washing just about. Not convinced it's as good as our old Bendix front loader. 8)
The thing in the middle is called "the agitator" --- hmmm, seems appropriate for this Forum ;D ;D ;D
cheers
fermi
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Loved this story David! ;D
When we bought our second washing machine we said to the spotty herbert playing at salesman in the shop that the previous one had lasted 16 years. He said 'Oh you won't get 16 years out of one now'.
What, exactly, have they forgotten about building washing machines?
The answer is, of course, nothing. But to keep the purchase price down and their profits up they con us by building cheaply so they can sell us another one in a couple of years time..
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What's a washing machine?
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Well it is not your most precious loved one Cliff. :)
Having had a top loader, I now prefer the front loader as it sloshes the washing about without getting it all tangled and ripping my unmentionables while getting fine merino into a shape akin to when the sheep was wearing it. In other words it seems much gentler on the washing.
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This is getting perilously close to " 'ere you were lucky...". Perhaps we should throw away clothes rather than washing machines!
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My washing machine has habit of tripping the electrics when it goes for a spin. Very annoying having to reset all the clocks/radio presets etc. Except it won't do it when the repair man comes. It's like when you take your child to the doctor because they've been feeling really ill, then they look and act in the peak of health as soon as they go through the surgery door.
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Loved this story David! ;D
When we bought our second washing machine we said to the spotty herbert playing at salesman in the shop that the previous one had lasted 16 years. He said 'Oh you won't get 16 years out of one now'.
What, exactly, have they forgotten about building washing machines?
The answer is, of course, nothing. But to keep the purchase price down and their profits up they con us by building cheaply so they can sell us another one in a couple of years time..
Very true Darren. It's called built in obsolescence. Nice to see our spotty herbert has moved jobs since he tried to deliver a Radio Rentals TV to a friend of mine: "have you got a spare plug?" ::) Plugs had to be fitted in those days. The next obvious question was "have you got a screw driver?" :o My friend suggested he wouldn't last long in his job. Now I know where he ended up. ;D
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Machina mortuus est. RIP ;D
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My washing machine has habit of tripping the electrics when it goes for a spin. Very annoying having to reset all the clocks/radio presets etc. Except it won't do it when the repair man comes. It's like when you take your child to the doctor because they've been feeling really ill, then they look and act in the peak of health as soon as they go through the surgery door.
Cars making funny noises never do it at the garage either!
We once had an instrument in our lab which tripped out whenever one particular person entered the room. After months of investigation we found a tiny loose screw inside the thing which would roll a few mm and cause a short circuit - but only if someone of exactly the right weight stood on the other end of the floorboards in the doorway. As soon as he stepped off the floorboard the instrument came back to life.
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Cars making funny noises never do it at the garage either!
We once had an instrument in our lab which tripped out whenever one particular person entered the room. After months of investigation we found a tiny loose screw inside the thing which would roll a few mm and cause a short circuit - but only if someone of exactly the right weight stood on the other end of the floorboards in the doorway. As soon as he stepped off the floorboard the instrument came back to life.
He wasn't called Fred Whitworth, was he Darren? (Think about it)!!!
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RIP - my 16+ year old dishwasher was replaced yesterday by a shiny new silver model. Doubt it will last 16 years!!
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My Dishwasher is 64 and I haven't replaced her yet. :P :P :P ::) ::)
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My Dishwasher is 64 and I haven't replaced her yet. :P :P :P ::) ::)
Does she stand in a corner, rattle on and cause a stir like mine?
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Does she stand in a corner, rattle on and cause a stir like mine?
No, actually she is quite mobile but makes a lot of noise when in working mode. ;D ;D ;D
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I am typing this in full view of my dearest one as she descends the now immaculate staircase, vacuum cleaner in hand, spent polish, duster, kalashnikov and feathery thingamajig each in their own regulation holster; spare bullets, random scowls and unbridled cynicisms arrayed in an appropriate (and yellow) Betterwear caddy ... and I wonder to myself (who would dare to disturb the silence); "Why did fate bestow this paragon of womanhood on such a wastrel ... why did my ship come in as the Empress of the Seas ... why has the Lottery selected me for such a payout"?
Answers on a postcard please to:-
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If Maggi reads all this (or Lesley) we are in big trouble. :)
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If Maggi reads all this (or Lesley) we are in big trouble. :)
'In Trouble' is sort of the ground state for a married man I reckon.
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Reinforcements are enlisting, Michael.
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We are going to need them all. I think Maggi is watching the Tennis.
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We are going to need them all. I think Maggi is watching the Tennis.
Don't they shout; "New balls"!!!? ;)
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mmm! If only, that is a bit much to ask. Oh that's in tennis !!!. I don't watch tennis. that's a woman's game. :D :D ::)
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We are going to need them all. I think Maggi is watching the Tennis.
Probably out shopping or multi-tasking, Michael ... neither of which we are able to contemplate?
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By jove, the tennis from Australia is good! ::)
Speaking as a 59 year old dishwasher, still in fine fettle (though always noisy) and not expecting to be replaced any time soon - I 'll just say that if you give some folks enough rope, then............ :-X
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;D ;D ;D
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Whilst you lot have been having a laugh I spent most of the afternoon laid on my back on the kitchen floor trying to stuff pipes and electric cables up the back of kitchen cabinets and pull them through access holes tied to lengths of string to install the new (and white!) washing machine. I'd envisaged, on first switch on, to have water all over the kitchen floor again (I seemed to be nearly knee deep taking out the old machine) but all seems to be well so far (fingers and everything else crossed). Got a kiss when the new machine started without a flood ;D
Different story on the car, regrettably, seems to be a flywheel malfunction (don't ask!) not unusual on diesels the man said. Arm and a leg job though. :'(
PS: I didn't mean the access holes were tied to lengths of string ::)
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Appliances ::) ::) ::)
When my washing machine started dancing the Flamenco (I could tell by the rhythmical clatter), I got in a nice local man who:
a) fixed it at a very reasonable cost
b) told me to hold on to this one (AEG, 15 years old), as none of the new ones would be as good or last as long.
Good advice and a rare moment to treasure. ;) ;) ;)
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Whilst you lot have been having a laugh I spent most of the afternoon laid on my back on the kitchen floor trying to stuff pipes and electric cables up the back of kitchen cabinets and pull them through access holes tied to lengths of string to install the new (and white!) washing machine. I'd envisaged, on first switch on, to have water all over the kitchen floor again (I seemed to be nearly knee deep taking out the old machine) but all seems to be well so far (fingers and everything else crossed). Got a kiss when the new machine started without a flood ;D
Different story on the car, regrettably, seems to be a flywheel malfunction (don't ask!) not unusual on diesels the man said. Arm and a leg job though. :'(
PS: I didn't mean the access holes were tied to lengths of string ::)
I really had a big laugh reading your "adventures", David ! ;D ;D ;D ;D
Many congratulations on getting the new machine working ! Maybe something I wouldn't manage... :-\ so the kiss was thoroughly deserved ! :D
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We are going to need them all. I think Maggi is watching the Tennis.
I wasn't though! Had I not been so very busy multi-tasking (doing dishes, after cooking, managing a market, cleaning my car, getting enough food into 3 men, emptying troughs, potting bulbs, writing an article for the March NZ Iris Soc Bulletin and finding appropriate picture, (deadline 31st Jan) and re-locating concrete, limestone and hypertufa troughs, blocks, limestone slabs and a statue) over the last few days, MORE WOULD HAVE BEEN SAID about the trouble certain Forumists were getting themselves into. But the past is the past and forgiveness is given - for now. Thankfully I am also very good at giving instructions to those who need them and the above tasks were concluded successfully, the instructions having been followed to the letter. ;D
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Hearty congratulations, Lesley ... your father must have taught you well!!! ;) :-\ :-\ :-\
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Yakkity Yak. ;D
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Yakkity Yak. ;D
Don't bother Lesley, Cliff might not understand you, cause he was at the time of this song still in his swaddling clothes ;)
By the way, I loved to read David's adventures :D
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Don't bother Lesley, Cliff might not understand you, cause he was at the time of this song still in his swaddling clothes ;)
By the way, I loved to read Divid's adventures :D
Luit, A Leiber and Stoller 'classic'(?) by the Coasters ... but I don't know this 'Divid'!!! LOL.
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but I don't know this 'Divid'!!! LOL.
Cliff I saw that too, but could not find the "modify" button. It was always there ??? ???
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He's a sort of Devonian version of a Welshman, or perhaps a Yorkshire version. Funny how well known accents can trip one up. At Saturday's market a woman had a long chat with me about the market and about how to get to Mosgiel and the A and P (agricultural and pastoral) Show, on last weekend. She is a farmer apparently and at the end I asked her - as I do - Where are you from? Holland? Her happy face became less so and she said loudly, "Wales!"
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Cliff I saw that too, but could not find the "modify" button. It was always there ??? ???
Surprise, today suddenly the modify button is back :)
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He's a sort of Devonian version of a Welshman, or perhaps a Yorkshire version..........
No "perhaps" about it and not a smidgeon of Devonian blood ;D
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No "perhaps" about it and not a smidgeon of Devonian blood ;D
A Yorkshire terrier/pudding through and through. (Delete where appropriate please).
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Both-no deletion necessary ;D
Fir the first time this morning I was left alone with the new washing machine. I was given precise instructions as to what to do and what buttons to press. As I was reading The Forum whilst being instructed I was asked if I was listening and I answered in the affirmative. Having spent most of the last half hour pressing buttons with gay abandon I've managed to get it to play me a lullaby, make me a coffee and dance a Highland reel but, can I get it to start-Nah! I'll get killed when she gets back :'(
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Both-no deletion necessary ;D
Fir the first time this morning I was left alone with the new washing machine. I was given precise instructions as to what to do and what buttons to press. As I was reading The Forum whilst being instructed I was asked if I was listening and I answered in the affirmative. Having spent most of the last half hour pressing buttons with gay abandon I've managed to get it to play me a lullaby, make me a coffee and dance a Highland reel but, can I get it to start-Nah! I'll get killed when she gets back :'(
Soft-soap her, David - get her in a spin, press all the right buttons ... then run!!!!
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She'll hang you out to dry!!!!
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Hmmm, washing machine that won't start................have you plugged it in, David ? ::)
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Hmmm, washing machine that won't start................have you plugged it in, David ? ::)
Maggi ... David's from Yorkshire ... it will be a wind-up model.
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Maggi ... David's from Yorkshire ... it will be a wind-up model.
Silly me - coming from our resident wind-up merchant, you must be right!
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;D ;D ;D ??? :-*
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Silly me - coming from our resident wind-up merchant, you must be right!
;D ;D ;D
You don't know how right you were Maggi. The power socket is inside an adjacent kitchen cupboard and someone!!!! must have unknowingly!!! switched it off whilst putting something back in the cupboard. By the way I didn't establish what the problem was! ;)
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That's a common fault David, we have a similar tale from last year's Newcastle show.....
Picture the scene: early morning, many hungry exhibitors awaiting bacon sandwiches, the bacon half cooked and we're waiting for the man with the bread buns to turn up. He does so, and we start cutting breadbuns open. It takes us about 15 minutes to realise that the bacon is no longer cooking, and about another 15 minutes to realise that the trays of breadbuns, when placed on the countertop, had turned off the master cutoff switch for the gas. We managed to sort things out and get the bacon butties flowing before there was a riot. :-[ ::) :-[
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Must be a Northern thing Peter.
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Or a man thing. ;D
Cliff are you really coming to li'l ol' Noo Zilland next November or will it be a video or something? Got my NZAGS programme today?
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Or a man thing. ;D
Cliff are you really coming to li'l ol' Noo Zilland next November or will it be a video or something? Got my NZAGS programme today?
Hi Lesley,
A hologram!!!
There is an EXCEPTIONALLY good chance that Sue and I will be allowed onto your hallowed national soil for a few weeks in October/November (the NZ police HAVE been informed) and MAY be permitted to travel around South Island without a chaperone. More news later when the psychiatric reports arrive back and the vet has been informed.
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I'm too tired right now to respond adequately to that message but assure you that from this particular neck of the woods, you will both be MOST welcome. We'll have a spare room up and running by then so if you have the opportunity.....
We don't have rabies or foot and mouth (only foot IN mouth) but there are numerous other conditions you might catch but most can be cleared up quickly with copious amounts of the local wines - or ales, if you insist.
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Local wines at twice the price they are in the UK. I was travelling on the free circular tram in Melbourne on Sunday and speaking to a chap over on business from Manchester. He reckoned he could import wine from Oz or NZ, bottle it and ship it back and still sell it cheaper! ::)
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Local wines at twice the price they are in the UK. I was travelling on the free circular tram in Melbourne on Sunday and speaking to a chap over on business from Manchester. He reckoned he could import wine from Oz or NZ, bottle it and ship it back and still sell it cheaper! ::)
That 'free' circular tram sounds a LOT cheaper than anything we can offer, Anthony ... save the fares and buy some wine, an excellent deal.
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The problem with the circular tram is when you get off you haven't gone anywhere! ::)
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Maybe it's the Oozlum tram Anthony, and you know what happened to that!
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;D ;D ;D
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Local (NZ) wines at around $11 to $16 a bottle, that's around 5 to 8 pounds, sounds not so bad Anthony and these wines are very drinkable even if not your top of the range. The only bottle we bought in the UK cost 10 GB pounds for a nasty French, and was disgusting. NOT drinkable.
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We drank Oyster Bay Merlot or Pinot Noir back in the UK. It was definitely cheaper there. We still drink it here, but wait for the regular price drops. We used to get it in the "three course meal for two with wine for a tenner" deals in Tesco. You cooked it yourself and chose from a range of starters, mains and sweets. It's really my only shock. The price of food. Even locally grown produce is seriously expensive.
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Oh well, depends where and when I suppose. Apples in the local supermarkets are around $3.60 - 3.90 a kg when the fruit from the same growers at my market is $1.20 a kg. The grower gets all of this except for the costs of being at the market whereas from the supermkt chain he gets around 50c a kg. Stinks. >:(
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I agree Lesley. We tend to buy fruit and veg at the wee green grocers as they tend to be fresher and cheaper. I did get stung at a road side sweet corn seller. Several of the cobs were unripe. :( However, wine is no cheaper at the winery. In France you could buy wine from local vineyards for buttons.
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I got a very palatable red from Aldi late last year for £2.99. Indeed I went back to see if I could fill the bath up but they'd sold out :(
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Make a change from ass's milk David. ;D
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;D ;D ;D