Mrs Trellis of north Wales

[FrazerHenderson]

We have received further correspondence from Mrs Trellis of north Wales.  Many of our British-based gardeners may recognise the name as she is a regular correspondent to that most esteemed BBC radio programme ‘I’m sorry I haven’t a yew’.

In a spirit of imbibition we are sharing her correspondence with the membership. Unfortunately, Letter #1 and the SRGC responses were lost somewhere between the out-tray  and the recycle bin.

Letter #2

Dear SRGC

Thank you for your advice in response to my detailed inquiry. I have bought the spade as you suggested and now never heave loam without it.

The annex to your letter was most welcome. I’ve placed it next to the kitchen-door. It now contains all my gardening tools.

As you have been so helpful I wonder if you could help with another query. I have a large book case not yet built and wonder what gardening books not yet written to put on it. Can you help me? 

Yours actively idle,

Mrs I Trellis
Secretary
The Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Hairdressing, Dog Grooming, Beachcombing and Gardening Club.

Letter #3

Dear SRGC

Thank you for the list of books and the reference to further titles on your webbed Forum. I particularly welcome the following suggestions:

'The Pop-up Book of Germination'
'Laurel and Hardy Plants for the Pleasure Garden'
'The Pampered Grasses of South America'
‘Bedding plants’ by Warren Beatty.  (Though I think Mr Trellis has my first impression.)
'Plant, shoots then leaves: botanical grammar'

and noting, in particular, my locality it was especially kind of your members to recommend:
‘Dianthus, Dicentra and other Welsh plants’
“Wiki Leeks: the truth about Welsh allotment gardening”
'Dimorphism: a History of the Changing Face of Welsh Gardeners'

On another matter my neighbour, Mrs Daniels, is considering ordering some apple trees but requires advice. Mrs Peters proposed ‘Malus Aforethought; the planting of an orchard’, do you have any further suggestions?

Yours, hakuna matata,

Mrs Trellis
Secretary
The Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Hairdressing, Dog Grooming, Beachcombing and Gardening Club.

Letter #4

Dear SRGC

Thank you for your suggestions about what Mrs Daniels should do with her apple trees. If she had ample room it might be possible, but somehow I doubt it.

At a recent meeting there were a number of questions which had our speaker Mr Wood stumped could you or your members help?
 
Herr Steingärten: How do I cloud-prune my air plants?
Mrs Elwy: Tits like coconuts, finches like seeds but what should I feed my Robin, it’s his birthday?
Mrs O’Flattery:  Damping-off is a problem for my husband do you have a solution?
Mrs Williams: Can you explain the ethics of hanging plants?
Miss Thomas: I suffer from celeriac intolerance can you suggest an alternative?

I await your reply with interest.

Yours anticipatorily,

Mrs Trellis
Secretary
The Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Hairdressing, Dog Grooming, Beachcombing and Gardening Club.

[FrazerHenderson]

Letter #5

Dear SRGC

Thank you for your reply, though Miss Thomas informs me that she was in fact after a substitute to celeriac not an alternative intolerance. However, she will bear in mind your suggestion even though she previously thought he was a pleasant TV gardener.

Two alpacas are arriving next week. Are there any special precautions that I need to take to protect my manicured lawns and pampered grasses?

Yours in the garden,

Mrs Trellis
Secretary
The Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Hairdressing, Dog Grooming, Beachcombing and Gardening Club.

Letter #6

Dear SRGC

Thank you for your letter. Your advice prevented certain havoc and ruination despite my husband insisting he’d only invited two of the back-packers.
 
At a recent committee meeting we were discussing how to improve the general level of gardening competency. Do you have any suggestions? Miss Thomas, for example, says she desperately needs help with her forking skills.

Yours, in the potting shed,

Mrs Trellis
Secretary
The Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Hairdressing, Dog Grooming, Beachcombing and Gardening Club.

Letter #7

Dear SRGC,

Thank you for hosting the skills event in north Wales. We still talk about the fish-box workshop. It was kind of Mr Young to leave the smokies; though kinder if he had told us.

One of our members, Miss Vaughan-Williams who does not have a garden would welcome advice of some suitable reading material.

Yours willingly,

Mrs Trellis
Secretary
The Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Hairdressing, Dog Grooming, Beachcombing and Gardening Club.

Letter #8

Dear SRGC

Your book suggestion was well received. Miss Vaughan-Williams tells me that the ‘The No Garden Expert’ by Dr J K Hessayon was inspirational. Noting that it is part of series she intends to purchase the ‘The No Swimming Pool Expert’ once she has mastered Amazon.

Please note that due to a recent accident involving a power sander and a Shih Tzu we have changed the name of our club.

Yours in clover,

Mrs Trellis
Secretary
The Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Hairdressing, Dog Grooming, Beachcombing and Gardening Club.

Letter #9

Dear SRGC,

Can you resolve an argument?

I say it is pronounced ‘Fuchsia’. Herr Steingärten says ‘Fuchsia’.
 
I hope for fuchsia’s sake I’m right.

Yours optimistically,

Mrs Trellis
Secretary
The Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Hairdressing, Dog Grooming, Beachcombing and Gardening Club.

[FrazerHenderson]

Letter #10

Dear SRGC,

Thank you for your response. You are right the common names of some British plants, such as Galium aparine, are indeed trickier.

Last weekend I spent a fortnight in Penmaenmawr the highlight of which, if I recall, was the windowbox of sempervivums outside the former funeral directors. Though why such establishments have windows is beyond me.

Mr Trellis, a man to whom I’ve been closely related for 33 years and yet socially distant, possesses a classical education and though he rarely speaks in my company he pointed out the irony of such plants being at such a location. Well, after his mercifully short vocalisation of an inner-thought, I decided that we needed a flowerbox at home. I will read up on the subject and let you know of my progress.

Yours vigorously,

Mrs Trellis
Secretary
The Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Hairdressing, Dog Grooming, Beachcombing and Gardening Club.

Letter #11

Dear SRGC,

To paraphrase Sir Winsome Churchill, never in the field of garden writing has so much been written for so few readers. However, I am now the (proud) owner of:

'Joe's Windowbox Garden' by Gardeners’ World with a foreword by Alys Fowler (BBC Books)
'How to Create your own Windowbox Garden' by Joe Swift with a foreword by Alys Fowler (BBC Books)
'Herbs for the Windowbox' by Jekka McVicar with a foreword by renowned windowbox expert Joe Swift and, as an afterthought, Alys Fowler (BBC Books)
'The Illustrated Guide to Plants for the Windowbox' (Dorling Kindersley)
'The Easy Care Windowbox Garden' by Alys Fowler with a foreword by Joe Swift (BBC Books)
“Rock plants for the Windowbox’’ by Kit Grey-Wilson (AGS publications)
'The Complete Windowbox Gardener' (RHS)
'All you need to know about the windowbox gardening' by Lance Hattat ((Book Bargain/The Works)
'The Windowbox Garden Expert' by Dr J K Hessayon

Mr Trellis noting my growing interest in the subject has thoughtfully and appropriately created, under the dormer, a wooden receptacle to admire these books. It is next to his cricket box.

Yours energetically,

Mrs Trellis
Secretary
The Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Hairdressing, Dog Grooming, Beachcombing and Gardening Club.

Letter #12

Dear SRGC,

Last night Monty Don gave us a talk on ‘Windowboxes on Gardeners World.’. He thought he had caught the zeitgeist but was still able to attend.  Anyway, for me windowboxes are so passé we’ve all moved onto bottle gardening: round here there is barely a garden without one. 

Next month, if you can make it, we’ve a short talk on herbs: ‘Thyme is of the essence’. 

Please note that due to a recent accident involving one of our members with a wracked bladder we have changed the name of our club.

Yours enthusiastically,

Mrs Trellis
Secretary
The Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Hairdressing, Dog Grooming, Beachcombing and Gardening Club.

Letter #13

Dear SRGC,

Last night Mr Trellis and I watched the TV documentary ‘Back to the Fuchsia’.

I also watched it on +1; it seemed appropriate.
 
Please note that due to the recent court case involving Mrs Roberts’ rabbits and the spate of thefts from Top Shop we have changed the name of our club.

Yours cravingly,

Mrs Trellis
Secretary
The Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Hairdressing, Dog Grooming, Beachcombing and Gardening Club.

Letter #14

Dear SRGC,

I was so pleased that we could fit in one more talk before the speaker was locked down. It was somehow fitting in view of how helpful the SRGC has been to our club that we were finally able to hear the not so Mr Young deliver “It started with gravel; memoirs of a rock gardener”.

There is little cheer to be gained from this pandemic though I’m pleased to relate that after 33 years of marriage Mr Trellis is finally less self-conscious now that we all wear face masks.

I wish you and all your membership a safe today and tomorrow, and only hope you have somewhere secure to put them.

Yours pandemically,

Mrs Trellis
Secretary
The Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Hairdressing, Dog Grooming, Beachcombing and Gardening Club.

[Maggi Young]

I would be lying if I didn't admit that this is all too close  to some  correspondence to the  Web Team over the  years!

 Wonderful fun - the best  we've  had  here  since Colin (CSH)  started "Titles for  books yet  to be  written"!! 

[Ian Y]

"Letter #7

Dear SRGC,

Thank you for hosting the skills event in north Wales. We still talk about the fish-box workshop. It was kind of Mr Young to leave the smokies; though kinder if he had told us."

I really must  point  out  that the  fish  I so shelfishly left for  Mrs Trellis were actually  Finnan Haddies, a North East  delicacy.

The said Mr Young.

[brianw]

And all posted in less than 10 minutes. Not seen this as an symptom of the Covid virus ?

[Maggi Young]

In response  to readers, googling Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch to find  out  more  about  this amusingly(??!!) named town in North Wales - who have  been annoyed to find no mention of the august  body for  which Mrs Trellis is Secretary, may I say that the SRGC Web Team  - while capable  of  so many  minor miracles - is not  able  to lobby for the  inclusion of  such clubs as Mrs Trellis represents in the  internet listings of the  town.  I imagine  Mrs Trellis and  her  local members are  equally  dismayed at this ommission of their club - but  for this matter the  SRGC is not  able to help. We  have  however, been able to suggest  a new robot grass mower for Mr Trellis, which we trust  will avoid any  such mishaps as described earlier with the  Shih Tzu.   

[Tristan_He]

I have to say that I find this correspondence rather baffling.

Everyone knows that Mrs Trellis lives in Rhyl! 

[Maggi Young]

Crikey, Tristan - can it be that you're  suggesting Mr Trellis has a  double  life??

[FrazerHenderson]

Letter #15

Dear SRGC,

Thank you for forwarding the observations of the amusingly named Mr T. He.  I would be grateful if you could advise him that we, Mr Trellis and I, used to live in Rhyl, where for a number of years I was Secretary to the Rhyl and District Naturalists Club. However, I resigned after a spelling error in one of our publicity brochures meant we were accompanied - on a bird-watching trip to Gronant Beach - by over 200 naked people. It was embarrassing to all concerned, though we did enjoy fine views of some Red-breasted mergansers, a Great dowitcher and, of course, lots of Little stints. 

It is with a heavy heart and a light liver that I have to advise you that the life of our Treasurer, Mrs Williams is in a state of phlox. She urgently requires recommendations of plants for total shade as a consequence of her conviction for embezzlement. Can you help? 

Yours ardently,
Mrs Trellis
Secretary
The Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Hairdressing, Dog Grooming, Beachcombing and Gardening Club.


Letter #16

Dear SRGC,

Thank you for the hand trowel and the advice, it’ll be some solace to know she’s not alone. The sisal seeds were a nice touch.

I can advise that Miss Pugh - impressed both by Mr Young and his fishbox garden - has decided to create her own. She ordered a box from Fraserburgh fish market. Unfortunately, confusion between her order and her address in Wales meant a 6500 litre plastic container arrived yesterday.   As her apartment is on the third floor Mr Kemp and Mr Owens, two of the home’s residents, are helping move the slate, stones, soil, plants and the large container.  I’ll let you know how it all progresses.
   
Yours slavishly,

Mrs Trellis
Secretary
The Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Hairdressing, Dog Grooming, Beachcombing and Gardening Club.

Letter #17

Dear SRGC,

Five days have passed and they’ve made it to the second floor. The container proved doubly useful in bobsleighing Mr Kemp to his ground floor apartment four days ago, which sadly meant more effort from Mr Owens, though he gets some relief tomorrow, what with the late delivery of the slate and Mr Kemp’s wake.

Miss Evans, who has gained a scientist’s interest, asks to what extent is climate change the result of garden dioxide?

Yours wilfully,

Mrs Trellis
Secretary
The Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Hairdressing, Dog Grooming, Beachcombing and Gardening Club.


Letter #18

Dear SRGC,

Thank you, I can confirm that though Miss Evans ordinarily trusts science she hadn’t appreciated that atoms make up everything.
 
I am pleased to advise that, despite two months of heavy toil, Mr Owens never gave in; unlike Miss Pugh’s balcony. Fortunately, only Miss Pugh’s pride was hurt which was quickly resolved by Mr Ellis, the local vet.

You’ll be delighted, as fellow rock gardeners, that the retirement home is now inclined to offer scree gardening as a scheduled activity for its residents. I also understand the container is to be repurposed and to be known officially as the Kemp Memorial Swimming Pool or colloquially, and perhaps more fittingly in view of Mr Kemp’s last heard utterances, the Blue Wail. 

Yours untiringly,

Mrs Trellis
Secretary
The Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Hairdressing, Dog Grooming, Beachcombing and Gardening Club.

[FrazerHenderson]

Letter #19

Dear SRGC,

Thank you for your kind word I shall pass it to Miss Pugh by letter, one at a time.

Is there any advice you can supply regarding plants for a south-facing rooftop garden?  Mr Williams was wondering whether cacti on a hot tin roof would be suitable.

Yours appealingly,

Mrs Trellis
Secretary
The Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Hairdressing, Dog Grooming, Beachcombing and Gardening Club.



Letter #20

Dear SRGC,

Thank you for your advice. Mr Williams now has all he desires, well almost, and I should know.

Due to an increase in virtual gardening during lock down Mr Trellis’ zoomatism has unfortunately become progressively worse.  Do you know of any suitable treatment?

Yours temptingly,

Mrs Trellis   
Secretary
The Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Hairdressing, Dog Grooming, Beachcombing and Gardening Club.



Letter #21

Dear SRGC,

Thank you for the advice. Whilst I find the thought of surgery appealing Mr Trellis says he’ll stick with a course of steroids.
 
Talking about Mr Trellis - and why not, everyone does - I am happy to relate that inspired by one or two images, at most, on Mr Young’s watt bulb website he entered the recent All Anglesey Gardening Photographic Competition/ Pob Cystadleuaeth Ffotograffig Ynys Mon. He was awarded third prize for a photo of a bedding display of bulbous plants and commended for its good depth of crocus.

Yours alluringly,

Mrs Trellis
Secretary
The Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Hairdressing, Dog Grooming, Beachcombing and Gardening Club.



Letter #22

Dear SRGC,

Thank you for your comments I shall pass then to Mr Trellis in mime. As a couple, lockdown has necessarily drawn us closer together, so close that we have fallen into an abbreviated sign language when we ever chance to be in the same room.

Your autographed photographs were an unexpected gift. Not surprisingly you are both very Young looking, though I hadn’t appreciated that monochrome images were still so current.

Yours enticingly,

Mrs Trellis
Secretary
The Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Hairdressing, Dog Grooming, Beachcombing and Gardening Club.

[FrazerHenderson]

Letter #23

Dear SRGC,

I’m delighted to advise that Dr Stephens a sociable scientist finally asked for, and received, Miss Evans’ hand in marriage. That’ll make pushing her wheelbarrow much harder.

Yours untantalisingly,

Mrs Trellis
Secretary
The Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Hairdressing, Dog Grooming, Beachcombing and Gardening Club.

Letter #24

Dear SRGC,

I have a query from Mrs Holly which has been taxing her for ages. She wants to know if plants have emotions and, if so, do you think they are relieved when Spring arrives?

Yours zealously,

Mrs Trellis
Secretary
The Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Hairdressing, Dog Grooming, Beachcombing and Gardening Club.

Letter #25

Dear SRGC,

Thank you for your insightful treatise on the 34 discrete plant emotions.

Mr Trellis tells me that when he goes into the garden he has seen our plants exhibiting ‘disdain’ and ‘pity’ but he was surprised by the mention of ‘boredom’.

As a consequence of being apprised we shall certainly now be trying to find more interesting things for our plants to do during the day (and night). Do you have any suggestions?

Yours.... when?

Mrs Trellis
Secretary
The Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Hairdressing, Dog Grooming, Beachcombing and Gardening Club.

Letter #26

Dear SRGC,

Thank you for your interesting suggestion. Mr Trellis remembers that Alan Titchmarsh once tried that approach to excite his plants. He vowed never again, well certainly not on live television.

By the way, our chairman, Mr Goode-Evans, whose inconsiderate contribution to the success of our club is well-known, has decided to stand down. As he will be the first to admit he has had to overcome a lot of diversity in his life and it has weighed heavily on his decision to go. He considers himself to be his own man; we tend to think of him as a man on his own. He has never been one – in gardening or life in general - to follow conventional wisdom which must be why he now intends to move to Colwyn Bay. Can you suggest a suitable plant to help him on his way?

Yours fervently,

Mrs Trellis
Secretary
The Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Hairdressing, Dog Grooming, Beachcombing and Gardening Club.

[ian mcdonald]

Dear Mrs. Trellis, perhaps the following list of plants would help Mr. Goode-Evans on his way? Travellers Joy, Mile a minute, Speedwell, Rocket and Rupturewort.

[FrazerHenderson]

Letter #27

Dear SRGC

Thank you, again another inspired recommendation; we’d half-heartedly thought of rocket but your vegetable choices are so much more appropriate.

Apologies for the delay in responding. We’ve been away from home for a number of months enjoying, if that’s the correct term, a stay at Ysbyty Gwynedd on an all-inclusive basis (accommodation, all meals and medicines). I gave it three stars; Mr Trellis, four, on account of his sheets being changed thrice daily.
 
Since we’ve been home we’ve been arguing whether to cremate or bury the dog and would welcome advice.

Concerned by a lack of opportunity to garden over the winter a number of members are now hand-wringing so we’ve now incorporated that within the club’s activities.

Yours w;nkingly,

Mrs Trellis
Secretary

The Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Hairdressing, Dog Grooming, Beachcombing and Gardening and Hand-wringing Club.

[Maggi Young]

I am sure that many members are heartened that the good offices of the sainted Betsi Cadwaladr are being upheld at the Ysbyty Gwynedd infirmary. 
What a shame that we were not made aware sooner of the absence from home of Mr and Mrs Trellis - the  dilemna of the dog might have been avoided.  Ah well, that's the way  the corgi crumbles.   

Doubtless there will be more helpful  advice from the leaders of SRGC to dear Mrs Trellis.